I’m exhausted… I don’t know how to break out of this.
I keep having wars inside my head. Dysphoria, imposter syndrome, and OCD that keeps telling me I’m not trans.
I feel really relived when I experience euphoria, but I want to feel like that all the time, which doesn’t happen. So I end up creating an image in my head of who I want to be, I somehow manage to live as this image instead who I am right now. But I also can’t keep that image alive 24/7 without feeling like my head is gonna explode. Whenever that image breaks, I feel really sad. Perfect opportunity for the negative thoughts to return, and I’m already exhausted from trying to keep that image alive that I end up disconnecting from everything.
I’m just numb, my head is so empty, but I’m sure after a few hours, everything will be a mess again. The worst thing is that even when I feel euphoric and happy, it doesn’t feel “me”, as if I don’t have what it takes to be “him”, and I don’t feel like I exist at all. I just want to keep living from my head.
Sorry, nothing I wrote makes sense at all.
yeah makes sense. i think the difference between goal and present reality is what’s causing you the tiredness then. don’t worry, we continuously work towards our goal like a long march. better to take many small steps than to try and sprint to the finish line in one set.
Right, thank you. It’s when that goal seems impossible to reach, I disconnect from the present so I don’t have to face it anymore. But I just need to keep trying.