Walked my first pride parade and it was incredible. Unfortunate circumstances kept me a bit low energy and zoned out but I had a lovely time. My partner made my makeup and I got to borrow their leather jacket. For the first time I thought I looked hot (which later also lead to a giga-affirming comment from my friend who just said the same thing ❤️🙂‍↕️).

For the first time I felt like I could be me in public, just walking by as “another girl”, and it was amazing. Nobody questioned it. Nobody raised an eye. After the parade we grabbed some lunch and some kids looked at me at the restuarant. Two little girls, the boy just ignored me. Not a weird look, more that of awe of seeing someone really pretty. Afterwards we grabbed a beer and both the cashier and the guy serving us were equally surprised when they heard my voice 😂

All in all, amazing day today, so happy with everything ❤️

Brain always finds a way to say “we’re not ready for HRT” 🙃

This is legit what im afraid of. I realized ive just been dissociating my entire life and hence didnt have any reaction at all to the concept of death while my friends were having an existential crisis. I also realized if i do start to become a person when starting HRT I will most likely have to go through to that whole circus again. Unsure how much my previous conclusions will help in managing that. BUT THIS WONT STOP ME ❤️😤

It is so nice, knowing what is wrong, knowing what I enjoy and that its fine, knowing what I want and even if i dont know exactly what “label” is correct for me, it doesnt matter. The most important part is that I know where I want to end up and can work towards that ❤️

It also led me to actually be able to accept that what I am feeling is dysphoria, so you know, cant win them all. But ill just take it as a step on the journey. Id honestly rather have that as “temporary” confirmation than dissociative confusion as to what life is dull and hard. 😅

I think my brain had enough and just self-accepted out of exhaustion. It refused to shut up and just wouldnt let me focus on anything else except for constantly questioning if i was really trans, why i was feeling like i wasnt trans enough or why i was experiencing impostor syndrome. So after 3 days straight of researching, reading, pondering and furiously scribbling 10+ pages of whatever the fuck the coherency of my thoughts were i just somehow ended up in “yup, no, you are definitely trans”. And then it turned quiet. So for the first time since i came out as “possible/probably trans” to my closest friends (1,5 months ago) my head is finally quiet :)