I’m exhausted… I don’t know how to break out of this.
I keep having wars inside my head. Dysphoria, imposter syndrome, and OCD that keeps telling me I’m not trans.
I feel really relived when I experience euphoria, but I want to feel like that all the time, which doesn’t happen. So I end up creating an image in my head of who I want to be, I somehow manage to live as this image instead who I am right now. But I also can’t keep that image alive 24/7 without feeling like my head is gonna explode. Whenever that image breaks, I feel really sad. Perfect opportunity for the negative thoughts to return, and I’m already exhausted from trying to keep that image alive that I end up disconnecting from everything.
I’m just numb, my head is so empty, but I’m sure after a few hours, everything will be a mess again. The worst thing is that even when I feel euphoric and happy, it doesn’t feel “me”, as if I don’t have what it takes to be “him”, and I don’t feel like I exist at all. I just want to keep living from my head.
Sorry, nothing I wrote makes sense at all.
uhm, so are these “really suggestive voices” inside your head? yeah, those are part of various mental health issues. i remember reading that people with hypochondria, for example, have these very insistent voices in their head that’s telling them that something’s wrong with their body and they need to seek medical help immediately.
so, it’s not necessarily your fault, but could be issues from the environment. maybe you picked up these voices from parents/neighbors, etc. ? also it would help to know what exactly happens when you try to imagine your own future your own way. in what way does it feel exhausting? what is the cause for the headache? what kind of conflicts are there in your head?
I don’t know, I thought they are intrusive thoughts because I don’t want them.
Maybe that’s true. Many of my thoughts are painful stuff I either read or others have said to me. But feeling inferior also triggers these thoughts.
Imagining my future as who I want to be is awesome and makes me excited. It only becomes painful when I remember the present. Because what I imagined is so different from who I am now. So I try to create that image in the present instead, which is what’s exhausting.
It’s like seeing something orange, you want to see blue, but you can’t. So you imagine seeing blue while looking at orange, and think you’re actually seeing blue while totally ignoring orange. Sorry, I don’t know if I explained this properly.
yeah makes sense. i think the difference between goal and present reality is what’s causing you the tiredness then. don’t worry, we continuously work towards our goal like a long march. better to take many small steps than to try and sprint to the finish line in one set.
Right, thank you. It’s when that goal seems impossible to reach, I disconnect from the present so I don’t have to face it anymore. But I just need to keep trying.